Random Happenings
by The Emmanator
Summary: Even the most ordinary events for House and Wilson seem ridiculous to a normal person. HouseWilson oneshots with a healthy dose of Amber here and there.
1. Poker Game

**Poker Game  
Pairing: **House/Amber/Wilson (in a way)  
**Prompt: **A game of strip poker with more interesting bets.

* * *

"So if I win this next hand?" she asked carefully, peering over her cards. 

"Unlikely, but I'll say you get a week of Wilson-dates without me involved in any way, and the mandatory removal." 

She smirked at the idea. "If you win, unlikely but…you'll get a week of Wilson with minimal interaction with me." 

"Fair enough." 

After a momentary stare down, they both laid down their cards. 

The blonde swore under her breath and struggled out of her skirt and threw it beside her discarded shoes and pantyhose. 

"You'll never win," he said. 

Amber whipped out a pen and a pad of paper and scribbled a note and signed her name and passed it to him. He was obviously winning, he had two slips of paper and had only removed his shoes and socks, she only had one slip and was already feeling the breeze. 

House reshuffled the deck and dealt a new hand. 

"This time," she started softly. "You'll get a month's worth of lunches with me and Wilson, and I'll pay for them."

"And I'll pay for you and Wilson's lunches for two weeks," House countered. 

She nodded. 

They showed their hands and it was House's turn to swear. He began the attempt to remove his own pants, but had a little trouble. 

"Do you need help?"

"No," he grunted, finally pulling them off and throwing them on top of his shoes. He took the pen and paper from her and signed a little note and passed it to her, looking grumpy. 

He started reshuffling the deck when the door opened. 

"Amber? Amber! …House!" James Wilson looked between the two of them, both lacking pants, looking supremely confused.

"Hello Wilson! Just a nice game of strip poker, you know. I thought we should become better friends."

Amber nodded, smiling pleasantly. 

Wilson groaned.

**Five minutes later…**

Wilson was sitting at their table, socks, shoes and ties discarded already. Amber had removed her top and House remained mostly clothed. 

"Nice of you to join us," House said with a wink. 

* * *


	2. Keep The Change

**Keep The Change  
Pairing: **House/Wilson (could be friendship, could be slash, who knows), Wilson/Amber  
**Prompt: **Midnight grocery shopping 

* * *

The phone rang. Wilson rolled over and grabbed it, barely aware of his actions and the repercussions they would have. 

"Hullo?" he muttered groggily into the phone. 

"Get up and get dressed, I need you to take me to the grocery store." 

"House…it's nearly midnight, you have to be insane," he mumbled. 

"I have no food, I need food. I'm hungry. Come on, get up."

Wilson groaned. "I'll be there in half an hour." 

"What's going on?" Amber asked, sitting up. 

"I have to go help House."

"In the middle of the night?"

"It's rather urgent." 

"I'm sure," she said sarcastically, lying back down and going to sleep again.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Wilson had obtained House and they were on their merry way to the local Wal-Mart to get whatever House was so desperate to get. They found their destination and Wilson parked, getting out of the car and waiting for House to do the same. They walked into the almost totally empty store and House set off for the grocery section.

Wilson followed him reluctantly and soon found himself to be House's grocery-carrier. 

"I could get you a basket," he muttered. 

"I'm not getting that much," House said, laying a loaf of bread on top of the strange assortment of food in Wilson's arms. 

After about twenty minutes of browsing various foods, House had decided he was done. Wilson was carrying a dangerously teetering mountain of assorted food and House led him to a self-checkout. 

"Can you do these?" House asked. 

"They're relatively simple," Wilson said, depositing his load carefully. 

The pair of them struggled with the self-checkout a little, they had trouble with scanning and bagging but after a long battle, they were victorious. 

"Give me fifty bucks," House demanded.

Wilson sighed and took out his wallet. 

"Things are never going to change." 

"People don't change."

Wilson smiled reluctantly as he handed over a bit of cash for House to feed the machine. 

"You can keep the change."

"I planned on it."

\/p


	3. Pot Pillow

**Title: **Pot Pillow  
**Prompt: **pillow that smells like pot

* * *

  


Wilson was sleeping on the couch. House had thrown a dirty, musty at him to sleep on and Wilson was having a lot of trouble getting to sleep.

No matter how he flipped it, bent it or twisted it, the slighting graying pillow reeked of marijuana.

Wilson had a sneaking suspicion it was his medical marijuana that was tainting this particular pillow. But he felt inclined to ask.

"House! Have you been smoking _pot_ on this pillow?" he yelled.

"No!" House lied. "I…borrowed it…from Kutner."

"Right, I believe that."

House's answer was a snore.

Wilson laid there, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep due to the _interesting _aroma of the pillow under him.

About three in the morning he started laughing.

About five he fell asleep.

Seven o'clock rolled in and House nudged him with his foot. "Wake up, Sleeping Beauty."

"No," he mumbled, gripping the pillow to his face.

House yanked it away and Wilson fell off the couch.

"I'm too tired."

"Go anyway."

* * *


	4. Wilson's First Day

A request from my good buddy Mac on my take on how House and Wilson may have met.

* * *

Wilson's First Day

* * *

"Uh, hi," a nervous, though semi-assured voice said. Gregory House turned around to see a young man, probably not too far out of the proverbial Med. School Door standing behind him. "I'm James Wilson."

"Greg House," House said in return. "Are you a patient?"

"No, I just got a job here. Oncology."

"Oh. Do you need a map or something?"

"Kind of, yes."

"I'm sure Dr. Cuddy would be glad to escort you," the older man said, pulling a rather harassed looking woman out of thin-air by her sleeve. "Dr. Cuddy, Dr. Wilson here needs to be pointed in the direction of the Oncology department, I think I can hear my case calling."

Cuddy pushed her dark hair out of her face and sighed. "Follow me."

If James Wilson had known the better years of his life would be spent in this kind of exchange with a man that would become his best friend, and his boss, then he might have ran away right then. If he had known he'd have seen dozens of fellows tossed aside, bounced around by the strange man identifying himself as Greg House, he would've turned tail and _ran. _

Of course, James Wilson has never had the power of good foresight, so he spent the next week getting familiar with his new hospital and its employees.

Even that weirdo House.

Whom he quite liked, really. After the initial shock of meeting him (and the shocks that follow, until about the eighteenth time you met him, Wilson had counted).

* * *


	5. It's A Virgin Thing

This implies heavily, though for use of dialogue only, a lot of slash. Technically it's slashy sexings. But you don't see that. If you're sensitive, imagine them playing with some kind of toy.

* * *

It's A Virgin Thing

* * *

"Uh, ow, no, that can't be ri-"

"What's wro- oh, OW, fuck, I see the problem. Wilson you're doing it wrong."

"Well stop moving around!"

"I can't help it, you keep poking me in the wrong places!"

"Shut up House. If you would stop moving then this would be much easier."

"Maybe _I _should do it."

"Oh no way. We've come this far, I'm _not _giving up. Just stay still!"

"Wilson this _is _kind of painful."

"Quit bitching. This was your idea."

"Ow. Ow. Fuck. Ow. Okay. I think you finally got it."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up…"

"Okay this isn't half bad…"


	6. Deviant Behavior

Another request of Mac. It's an off-beat "proposal" ficlet. Haha.

* * *

Deviant Behavior

* * *

The fellows were rather confused as to where their boss was that morning. Foreman was doing his crossword, occasionally asking Taub about a word or two. Taub was the only one that Foreman asked for crossword-help from.

Thirteen and Kutner weren't talking. Thirteen was sipping some coffee and Kutner was sort of staring off into space.

It wasn't a very constructive morning, to be honest.

Wilson entered, looking baffled.

"Where's House?"

"He hasn't shown up," Thirteen said calmly.

"Havent heard from him all morning," Foreman added, not bothering to lower his newspaper. "A seven-letter word meaning a behavior or person out of the ordinary?" He looked at Taub.

"House told me to meet him here at exactly, well, right now," Wilson said.

The door opened and the familiar clunking cane greeted them.

"Wilson," House said shortly.

"Yes?"

"Is gay marriage legal in New Jersey?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Okay." And with that, House stumped out.

Thirteen was doubled over in an effortto keep her laughter silent. Foreman readjusted his newspaper and Taub leaned in behind it and whispered something to Foreman, who chuckled.

Wilson blinked, and flushed. "HOUSE!" he shouted, running out of the disagnostics room to follow his cane-weilding friend.

Kutner blinked. "What was that ab- OW, Thirteen what was tha- _ohh." _A look of comprehension hit him and he laughed awkwardly.

"Seven letter word for out of the ordinary would be _deviant_," Taub said, laughing slightly at the irony of the statement.


	7. Harmless Drunk

House is wildly intoxicated

* * *

Harmless Drunk

* * *

"WILSON!" House howled through the window where he assumed Amber and Wilson's bedroom was.

The window opened.

"House, go home," Amber snapped from the window.

"Where is my Wilson?" he roared, ridiculously, terrifyingly intoxicated.

"House? What _are _you doing?!" Wilson called, coming to the window.

"Wilson, I LOVE YOOOOOOOU!" House sang loudly.

"House you're going to wake the neighbors!"

"Wilson, I DOOOOO!"

"HOUSE! Come inside right this second!" Wilson commanded.

"Inside? Of course!" House said, the booze was obviously pleased that it's beautiful love song had done its trick of working Wilson's underwear off.

Wilson appeared beside him and pulled him inside. "You can't drive yourself home in this state, go to sleep on the couch," he said firmly.

"But Wilson!" House said, leaning on his cane. He was pouting, in his own special, drunk way.

"House, go to sleep."

After about half an hour of silence, Wilson and Amber thought they could get a night of sleep in peace, until suddenly-

"Oomph, move _over, _Wilson," House said, shoving them over and joining them in their bed.

"Three _is a crowd," _Amber muttered under her breath.

"Just humor him, Amber," Wilson said. "He's just drunk."


	8. Thanks For Asking

* * *

"You've never once asked me if I was okay and you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk."

* * *

Two more shots. Some indiscriminate giggling (from Wilson of course, House was far too manly to ever giggle, no matter how intoxicated he got). Two more shots.

"I think I'm fine for now- I don't think I can drink anymore," Wilson mumbled.

"You'll do good for a few more shots," House said, blinking as he attempted to pour more shots (he wasn't quite successful the first try), he finally got the two shot glasses full and picked up Wilson's and tried to put it to his lips.

"Mmph no House, I said no," Wilson said, backing up as far as the couch would allow. Finally he gathered his senses and leapt up, wobbling slightly. He walked out of House's apartment and grudgingly, House followed.

Wilson was, for some odd reason, stomping up the stairs.

"Where are you going?" House asked curiously.

"Away," Wilson hiccupped.

"Okay," House said, leaning on his cane and watching Wilson.

"You're insuf-"

Then Wilson fell down the entire flight he had just climbed and landed at House's feet, crumpled up and panting for breath.

House poked him with his cane.

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright, thanks for asking," Wilson said once he caught his breath and slowly pushed himself to his feet.

* * *


	9. Bad Dreams

* * *

House woke up, he wasn't a heavy sleeper, and Wilson was thrashing around in the bed and it was irritating House.

"House…" he heard the obviously sleep-addled Wilson mumble miserably.

He poked Wilson in the shoulder.

"Wilson."

Wilson thrashed about a little more, and House hit him in the shoulder, hoping to wake up.

"Wilson."

"House…"

"Wilson!"

Wilson's eyes finally opened.

"House," he muttered, sitting up. "Sorry, did you hear all that?"

"Yeah. What was the problem?" he asked. It wasn't one of 'those' dreams, it was something less pleasant.

"Just. A stupid nightmare," he muttered, sighing.

"Tell me," House demanded, poking him in the shoulder.

"It was just a stupid dream, go back to sleep," Wilson insisted.

House frowned as Wilson rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep.


	10. Breakfast in Bad

House attempts to make a nice birthday breakfast.

* * *

James Wilson awoke to a smoky room and the stench of burning…something.

He clambered out of his best friend's bed and hurried into the kitchen. What if something was on fire? Was House okay?

House was presently standing in front of the stove, cursing bacon and the inventor of the frying pan to hell and beyond, while two blackened pieces of toast peaked out of the toaster, the only thing that seemed to be going smoothly was the two mugs of coffee sitting on the table.

The eggs lay on a plate, forgotten, they seemed to have turned to robber cement, Wilson noted as he poked them.

He cleared he throat to make his presence known.

House looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing, House?"

"Making you breakfast," he said plainly, as if it were obvious.

"Why?"

"It's your birthday."

Wilson nodded. "But if you blow up your apartment, I won't have a very good birthday. How about we drink the coffee, forget about homemade breakfast. I have a much better birthday celebration in mind," he said, taking a sip of hot coffee as he said it.

House shrugged and turned off the stove and followed Wilson back to the bedroom.


End file.
